House Passes Resolution Declaring that U.S. Will Prevail in World Cup!

Despite the U.S. team's record of 0-1, and a failure to score a goal in its first game against the Czech Republic as it lost 3-0, House GOP leaders today called for a vote on a resolution declaring that the U.S. soccer team would not follow an artificial, referee-imposed, timetable for when it would stop trying to outscore opponents in the 2006 FIFA World Cup competition.

"Achieving victory is our only option," declared House Majority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, casting Democrats as defeatists who want to retreat in the face of traditional 90-minute time limits on soccer games. Today's vote also praised U.S. soccer players for their superior skill and dedication, and labels the World Cup as part of the larger global fight to score more points in all types of athletic competition "no matter how long it takes!"

The U.S. team plays a powerful Italian team tomorrow in Kaiserslautern, Germany in a critical do-or-die match, and Republicans are trying to use this issue to show that their resolute determination to eventually score more goals than their opponents will resonate with American voters, who are tired of being soundly beaten in soccer by foreign competition. They are counting on convincing the American people that they have a bold strategy for soccer victory that will help them in the upcoming 2006 mid-term elections.

In a separate but related speech on Tuesday, Presidential Advisor Karl Rove, also berated Democrats about their lack of national spirit, as he suggested that if Jack Murtha, D-Penn had been coaching Michael Phelps during the 2004 Olympics in Athens, "he would have pulled Phelps out of the pool before he could have won 5 medals, including 3 golds!"

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