My Plan to Stabilize Iraq!

After learning of the recently issued notice inviting grant applications for up to $1.02 billion for any type of entity with a plan to stabilize 10 cities in Iraq, I’ve been trying to come up with something that I think would work. $1.02 billion is a lot of money, and I am an entity! So why not give it a shot?

After racking my brain for several days as I attended the 1st Annual Left-Over Convention in Las Vegas, I had what Donald Rumsfeld would call an epiphany during my flight home. I was thinking about what makes it so much easier to stabilize cities in the United States than cities in Iraq. What do Americans have available to them that Iraqi’s don’t? And then I saw it, right in the pages of the SkyMall catalog. The Feell Bright Light - which now forms the first (and only) pillar in my plan to stabilize Iraq.

According to the notice, I need to stabilize 10 cities. Assuming there are an average of half a million people in each city, that means 5 million people. Violence is rampant and the electrical infrastructure is largely destroyed, leaving many of those people in darkness for lengthy periods of time, as they struggle from lack of sleep due to the risk of being blown up in suicide bombings. Unlike Americans, who are generally cheerful and happy, Iraqis are most certainly in a particularly foul mood these days. This leads to the details of my plan.

For $199 each, plus tax, I propose to purchase each citizen of these 10 cities a baseball cap, and a Feell Bright Light, which uses mobile clip-on flashlight technology to, among other things, “enhance brain serotonin, causing mood elevation. Without drugs!” It’s perfect. By allowing Iraqis in these 10 cities to experience the benefits of western innovation at it’s finest, they will have their moods elevated to the point where violence will no longer be an attractive option. Stability will be achieved. The mission will be accomplished!

Here is the budget of my proposed plan:

Baseball Cap (Incl. tax and 25% bulk disc.) ..................... $7.23
Feell Bright Light (Incl. tax and 20% bulk disc.) .............$170.44
Int. Shipping (cost per item) .................................... $22.33
Subtotal .......................................................... $199.90
Quantity ................................................. 5,000,000 units
Total Cost ............................................. $999,500,000.00
Net Admin Cost to seenos ............................ $20,500,000.00
Total Needed for Program ........................ $1,020,000,000.00

OK, now let’s see Halliburton come up with a plan that can compete with that!