Saturday, November 12, 2005

An Open Letter to Serial Killers and Professional Assassins!


I realize that you aren’t actually that gentle. In fact, I know you are heartless and evil, and I despise everything about you. When I read news articles about your exploits, or see reports about them on television news programs, I am furious and want nothing more than for you to be caught by the authorities and placed in prison where you can never harm anyone again.

I occasionally watch actors portray characters similar to you in movies or television programs. On those occasions, I always identify with and root for any character that is trying to catch the character most like you. I feel tremendous relief and sometimes even great joy when the character like you is stopped.

If I were ever in a situation where I could do something to help make sure that you were caught, I would do it in a second. I would testify against you in court if I ever had knowledge that would help put you away for life. There is nothing about what you do that I can support, or am even able to tolerate without being overcome by disdain and hatred.

Well, actually there is just one exception. If you want to “take out” Bill O’Reilly, go right ahead. That would be OK with me. Anything else – forget about it, you despicable, wretched, monstrous, wastes of life!


San Francisco, CA

PS: Note, to any actual serial killers or professional assassins who may be among the readership of this blog, that this letter is not intended as a solicitation. It is satire, based on O’Reilly’s invitation to Al Qaida to blow up San Francisco. So really, please don’t hurt anyone, who just happens to look like this:


  1. left-over11:31 AM

    I share your sentiment. However, I must confese I was rooting for Hanibal Lector in "Silence of the Lambs".

    This was well written - I think I will nominate it for a "Peabody"

  2. left-over11:34 AM

    Again I think you should cross post to kos. It seems to be upping our hits. And the headline is definitely a grabber.

  3. No, no. Can't do that regardless of the temptation. Remember all our military fighting always for freedom of speech. Remember the Constitution and our Bill of Rights. One day he'll hoist himself on his own petard. He isn't worth making an effort to get. Just a subject of ridicule. Best thing: Dems win in 2006 and we get rid of this crew and their hangers-on.