Inspired by Left-Over’s rundown of potential candidates for the job of White House Press Secretary, I decided to compile my own list to add to the mix. Although I couldn’t top Teller as the perfect choice, it may not be so easy to fill the position, so I think more options may be needed if Bush is going to be able to find a taker. Here are my choices:
#5 Gilbert Gottfried – Just the sound of his voice should be enough to keep the Press Corps from asking too many questions. Besides, whenever he gets one that he doesn’t want to answer, he can always just bellow out, “Aflac!”
#4 Chuck Norris – Has shown that he can read any lines he is given, no matter how ridiculous they are, without altering his facial expression or revealing even the slightest hint of personality. Would not crack and give up useful information under pressure. Probably the only candidate capable of fighting off Helen Thomas!
#3 Chuckles, the Poo Flinging Chimpanzee – Reporters would not be jockeying for seats in the front row of the Press Room anymore. Substance of the Press Conferences would remain consistent.
#2 Dennis Miller - After bombing on Monday Night Football, he really needs the work! Found out the hard way that, because of a notable lack of humor among Republicans, there is no market for a conservative comedian who isn't willing to act like a retarded hillbilly!
#1 Rafael Palmiero – Knows how to give a pointed denial with conviction, no matter how unlikely it sounds. Also, he has worked as a part of a Bush team during their days with the Texas Rangers , so George knows him well enough to trust his (poor) judgement. His connections as a spokesman for Viagra may come in handy as a member of an increasingly impotent administration.