Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Who Will Be the Next White House Press Secretary?

Well now that Scott McClellan is riding off into the sunset I'd like to speculate a little about who might replace him. It is not an easy gig - answering questions day after day for this President. It calls for a special talents that fortunately not many people are blessed with.

So with leaked information from my longtime secret informant and "former hill staffer" who I call - "Google" - I have compiled a list of the top available candidates to fill Scottie's shoes.

#5 Jared the Subway Guy - everyone seems to believe him when he says that he lost all that weight just by eating Subway sandwiches.

#4 Tommy (the liar) Flannigan - an obvious choice for his ability to answer any question.

#3 Baghdad Bob - His ability to cut through reality with defiance is legendary.

#2 Rita Cosby - Just imagine every press briefing beginning with "Good evening, I'm Rita Cosby and I'm coming to you live from the Whitehouse briefing room, where we have late breaking information - a bombshell in the presidents daily schedule tomorrow.

#1 Teller - This I think is the best choice, dispense with all the lies and just send Teller up to the podium day after day. You know what they say, "sometimes a look is worth a thousand words".


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  2. Just as Bush is the "Decider" - Teller would be the "Teller".

    Insert Bush's stupid laugh Here.

  3. Why not just make it a package deal and name Penn to replace Rove as a Domestic Policy Advisor?

    I saw him once make an entire submarine disappear. Just think what he could do to the deficit, poverty, or future natural disasters!

  4. Oscar the Grouch would be my choice.
    "why the hell are you bothering me? i was eating a sandwich. Go away. Another question? Go ask someone else, like Big Bird."

  5. If he were still alive...Sam Kineson!

    "What does the President think? What about what I irritating f*ck! I've been doing this job for two f*cking years! Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"