Are You Ready For Draft Night?

Worried that you haven’t cracked a newspaper in weeks? Haven’t been scouring the Internet for the latest dirt on Republican members of Congress? Don’t despair! This summary by Think Progress has everything you could ever need to help prepare you for your Jack Abramoff Scandal Fantasy League draft. To review, most leagues will be giving points similar to these in each of the following categories:

1. Indictment Counts – 5 points each.


2. Prison Terms – 3 points per year.


3. Probation – 1 point per year. (Home confinement – 2 bonus points)


4. Assists (plea deals in which testimony results in a prison term for another person) – 1 point per person/year.


5. Drag Downs (close relatives or aides who are implicated with you) – Relatives: 3 points each, Aides: 1 point each.


6. Tearful Apologies – Jimmy Swaggart level – 10 points. Jim Bakker level – 7 points. Duke Cunningham level – 5 points. Pat O’Brien level – 3 points.


7. Border Runs – Successful disappearance – 10 points. Caught at airport wearing goofy mustache – 5 points.

As an additional aid to those who are considering getting in on the exciting action of a Jack Abramoff Scandal Fantasy League, Mel Kiper Jr. has offered Left-Over an exclusive listing of his projected Top 5 draft picks (with comments):

1. Bob Ney – Clearly the top of this conspiratorial class, having already been named as “Representative 1” in a plea agreement related to Abramoff. A near consensus first pick.


2. Tom Delay – A close Abramoff affiliate for many years, whose name appears on nearly every scandal’s participant list. Has been frequently seen practicing the Heisman position while straight-arming Ronnie Earle.


3. Michael Scanlon – Called the Magic Johnson of conspirators, gets high marks for his tremendous assist potential and his ready smile.


4. John Doolittle – Will get an extra look because his wife has already been subpoenaed. Fundamentalist Christian ties suggest potential for significant and prolonged tearful twitching before his lord and savior.


5. Conrad Burns – Of the remaining choices, he is clearly the best liar available. Has frequently claimed to have run track in high school, and of having a 48-inch vertical leap. A project!

Best of the Rest: Ralph Reed, Grover Norquist, Roy Blunt, Dennis Hastert, Trent Lott, John Cornyn, Adam Kidan.

Alright guys and gals, light up those cigars, down those shots of Jose Cuervo, crack open those brews and prepare for draft night! It’s gonna be a great season of litigation!